I've blown a few things in my day
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
