I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
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How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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