My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
