Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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