i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
