Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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