so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
