Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
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I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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