I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
