what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
