dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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