stop calling my apartment porn island.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize