Jerry, you need to find god
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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