just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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