Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
