She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize