Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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