You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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