Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
