i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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