dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
