just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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