if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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