so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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