She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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