I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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