I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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