the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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