Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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