I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
