Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
