In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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