oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
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Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
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I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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