shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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