To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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