It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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