what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
