they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
