38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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