i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The struggles of a small town man whore
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