There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
