the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
