can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
