I'm gonna have a badass scar
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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