You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
