im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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