you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
