Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
