Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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