This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize