Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
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Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
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all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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