Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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