There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
