You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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