i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
