OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
