i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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