awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
